St. Louis, St. Louis, sell your heartache St. Louis! Yours is the deepest, yours is the strongest, yours is the best!




A KTVI FOX 2 St. Louis news (local station, local news) anchorman told us liltingly on Friday’s 10 o’clock news that two of the ten “most popular national news stories” in 2007 were about St. Louis—”We got one-fifth everybody!” The two are: the Megan Meier MySpace suicide (my thoughts on which are here) and the case of a fugitive kidnapper, Michael Devlin, who was just sentenced to 170 years for kidnapping and holding two young boys, one in October 2002 and another in January 2007, when he was caught, both boys in his apartment, an event deemed by the media the “Missouri Miracle.”

Hey there St. Louis, hooray, St. Louis, hey St. Louis, hey!—be proud of your exceeding newsworthiness, of your unparalleled miraculousness! You’re from da Lou: be proud! Take pride in your proficiency at manufacturing and marketing disaster! Take comfort in the fact that you’ve beaten most markets in tendering tragedy! New York may have bested us, and probably Boston, L.A., maybe even Portland, that rainy little happy city—but otherwise, St. Louis, you’re just the tops! Your market—market, an urban area and its surrounding suburbs, all of which share a set of local network affiliates, but more plainly and truly just another place buy and sell, where you can be sold to and bought by (and, because we’re in St. Louis in the late ’90s and 00s, likely laid off by) the socially-consciousest local, national and multinational corporations of all stripes!—your market takes it to the max! Brands compete for your attention, yes yes, but you compete just as ferociously for theirs—you know you want the all those ads designed specially to reach you! You love all that money put behind attempts to woo you, as surely as girls love pearls! Why lust after lovers if you know the tube’ll always have the jones for you bad? Perhaps this is the local religious right’s way of increasing the wealth of the wealthy and decreasing abortions? Two birds, one stone, genius, genius!

What is most perverse about our anchorman’s congratulations to you, St. Louis, for unfeelingly flaunting your freakfests to foster interest in yourself? The compliment itself is also an advertisement, wooing you, hopes FOX 2, to become its ever-loyaler consumer! Hey look 10 o’clock FOX 2 news watchers, we bring you news about news about your degenerates—news about you! Look how many people are watching you! Look at us, looking at all those people looking at you, and reminding you of it! Look, look, look—everyone is looking at you, St. Louis, at you, you! Everyone loves you, St. Louis, St. Louis—everyone, everyone, everyone!

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